He Let Me Name Him

Life's greatest treasure, even among pain

Photo by M. on Unsplash

If he would've changed, if he could have just loved me, we would still be married today. That fifty-year marriage, growing old together, going through it all, grandkids playing on the porch with the smell of chocolate chip cookies in the background—I wanted it. And I'm often still hit with sadness, knowing that I won't have that, and that my kids don’t have it. I’m sorry they suffered for my choices.

Perhaps that’s the saddest thing about this part of my life that I've decided to share.

Because I certainly loved him, although don’t ask me why now.

And for many years, who am I kidding, still today; my biggest issue with myself is that I can’t shake the thought that it was me, that I wasn’t the type of woman who was worthy of love, and never will be.

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I cried for the first three months of my second pregnancy. A never ending cry. And it pissed my mom right the fuck off.